“Thinking Deeply About Shallow Shit” – Andre 3000
Up late… just finished watching The Gabby Douglas Story as my baby drifted off to sleep. My heart beat conducting the tempo in her dreams and my huffs and puffs leading to the crescendo of falling tears… 
Late nights seem to turn into later nights and though another body is present I find myself alone, needing moments of reflection; thankful for the space to slow it down.
My days seem to be going by faster and the weekends have turned into experiences I go back and forth with hoping to forget yet understanding there is a lesson and I must acknowledge and accept; to move forward stronger, better, wiser than before.
Weekends of biblical infidelity against my spirit, straying away from my core desires. Or are quick lustful moments what it is I truly wish for? Careful with my words that set the intention of unavailable, bringing forth that which doesn’t truly serve me, my purpose nor the blessing that I birth.
Weekends of curiosity killed the cat, experiments that most have tried and either attached or strayed from early way back; in grade school. Am I really falling for social peer pressure at 28, as I fist pump and scream “You don’t own me?”
Weekends of open V’s and herbal highs that leave me feeling like a tranquilized lab rat with vampire eyes, forcing justification through the words freedom and life, I ponder on where it is I am going and who I am.
I’ve become a muse of the artistically gifted, even I brush my fingertips across my skin and feel the electric power that dwells within… They crave what I got and I want to eagerly give for the satisfaction of saying yes. Feed me.
Social media consumes me as I strive to make a way to support others… all while filling out schedules and reports to keep the cash aid flowing, just so that FB and IG app keep working… just to keep that CalFresh coming so that we can keep overpriced live foods entering; our temples.
Cries from my child because she too has become an addict… *turns on the tv perhaps this will soothe and settle as I lack subtle interest in stepping away from the capturing, brain-washing images that flash us all into the cult of instant gratification.
Support, pride, Help then hide. Running from reality keeping up with the divide.
This assignment feels heavy at times. The beast within feeds on my human imperfections that falls victim to societal annihilation.
Lift me higher I pray. Nothing about me is simply flesh and bones. Owning that I am chosen; cautious for all that is to come.
Throwing water on my face, eye drops in my 3rd eye, wake up Ashley, it is time to fly…
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