Balm In Gilead
Life Changing Sex – Self Love
As we greeted with a welcoming hug, and I, a gentle kiss on this being’s shirtless bare shoulder, we settled into each other’s physical space with adoring glares and authentic smiles; cheerful laughter and relaxed sighs; innocent touches and gentle rubs. Small chat? Merely that.
Quickly temperatures rose and garments fell and I ascended into unfamiliar territory that I was hoping to make residency with. It all played out like a sexy scene from a video featured on a pornographic website such as https://www.watchmygirlfriend.porn/.
Submissive to the nudge that led to me lie on my back, my body was ready to receive, to give, to nurture, to be praised. The more physically accessible I became, the more this numen rewarded me with acts of selflessness and worship. And With each orgasmic release, starting from the base of my spine, we nourished my root chakra, allowing it to shine bright and bold; polishing as some may say. I was ready to be entered as if I was starring in my very own https://www.tubev.sex/ pl production, for my temple gates to be opened, to welcome in something new…
However, my mind was not in congruity.
As we worked past my sacral and my solar chakras, I began to become a bit uneasy. Timid and nervous even. I began to tense and could no longer gaze upon this being’s face. I could no longer be present in that moment. I no longer felt… well, good. I began to question, if I ever was present; if it ever, felt good.
If I am being honest, all I have ever wanted is to feel as sexually confident as the star of a pornographic film that you might find on a website such as https://www.collegeporn.xxx/.
Soon enough, I was shaking and completely afraid.
I tried to get ahold of my thoughts. I tried to come back to this place of safety and comfort but I had ventured off too far. I was completely lost and confused. And it was dark and lonely. My moans started to feel like gasps of air and willing submission started to feel like restraints.
I cried out subliminally, passive aggressively, for I didn’t even know what was really going on inside of me. They were returned with soft, sincere voices of “Trust me” “It’s okay”; temporary assuring kisses and touches.
Yet, with each energy-filled, passionate stroke, I slid back and forth between ecstasy and fear. And the confusion just catapulted. I started questioning myself on why I was even there, why it wasn’t feeling as good, or I wasn’t enjoying it as much as all those young women seem to when watching adult entertainment on websites like teentuber.xxx available when browsing the internet.
I begin to feel like a victim to some divisive plan to take from me. I felt like a bad mother who had abandoned her child for a late night creep. I felt like an adolescent obsessed with the elusion of casual sex. I felt like a sinner; convicted. I felt harmed. I felt hopeless. I felt… I felt like the sexually, emotionally, physically, abused woman who trusted her abuser… I felt hurt.
The clouded judgement got cloudier, the mind and body drifted further apart and I was completely unaligned, disoriented and rambling at the mouth, projecting shame onto myself and the greatness that hovered above me. I wanted to cry but I didn’t dare look even more foolish than I had already felt and thought I looked. So I stayed. So I continued to “please”.
Shaming myself, I shut down internally.
Shaming myself, I shut down emotionally.
Shaming myself, I shut down entirely.
When it was all said and done, I wanted to run away from and be held by this person at the same damn time.
*exhale.
I’ve always claimed I desire a soul shaking, sexual experience that would resonate so deep within me I would stutter euphoric euphemisms with passionate exhales and pants. Yet, as soon as I collided with this blast of cosmic energy, the truth of another powerful spiritual being whose desire was to create mine, a reflection of what dwells deep within me, I retreated with my tail between my legs.
Never have I wanted a do-over so bad in my life. Not just to relive the physical sensations of this 
God’s touch and selfless cosmic loving but to once again access this portal of truth, and come face to face with her, with the eyes I so desperately averted from… with Ashley… in all her fear, anxiety, panic and hurt.
However this time, I will not deny her. This time, Eye will see her and I will run to her with every bit of muscle and spiritual speed I have been blessed with! This time, I will hold her so tight and look beyond her eyes into the depths of her dark places and say,
“I love you!”
“I love you enough to meet the parts of you that have been hidden away in fear, shame, guilt or anger. I am not afraid of you. I am sorry I have pulled back from you in fear. I am here with you now and I love you completely. You deserve to feel whole and loved. Please show me the parts of me that need to be brought to light now. And I will work tirelessly to make every conscious effort to never shame us again.”
Then we will soar to the furthest galaxies and take our place amongst the stars, to better serve our people.
Self-love is the theme and practice for me this week. Will you join me brothers and sisters?
Talk about sex that changes lives. HA!
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