Any Other Way
I can’t lie and I won’t lie. But it is true. The heavens didn’t open up for me, the birds didn’t sing, nor did I look down at my crying naked baby on my chest and say, “I wouldn’t change a thing.” What I did do was look down at her, look around and cry out for my mama. Yep! That’s what I did do.
Yet, I must admit, the physical part of my pregnancy was amazing. I gained nine pounds total, was never sick or throwing up, I was very active (probably due to the denial), and I had family support. My labor wasn’t too shabby either. Shannon was delivered vaginally with no epidural, no tearing, no splitting, and no hemorrhoids. My doctor said to everyone in the room, “Ashley is in a class of her own.” You would think with all that being said, I had the best pregnancy in the world, right…? FALSE!
Abuse was prevalent in the relationship with Shannon’s father. Not just verbal and physical, but sexual as well. Those who have been victims of this manipulation and control know that emotional and mental abuse come tagging along, hand in hand, like BFFs. It was quite a journey; I got help, I got out. However if Aladdin, his magic lamp and genie popped into my life, I would’ve wished him and everything that came with him away; including my Shannon.
Many times I was asked, “Isn’t this the best thing that ever happened to you?” “You are such an amazing mother, I know you are so happy.” And lets not forget the best one, “I know you can’t imagine life without her.” I would force a smile on my face, showing a little bit of teeth to look genuine and depending on our relationship, I would let it rip:
[quote]“Thank you so much for that compliment but yes I CAN imagine life without her and If God came down and said Ashley do you want to go back in time and do it different, I would look Him dead in the eye (because I can only stare at just one at a time) and say HELL YEAH!”[/quote]
And close my eyes and hope to open them on the day I let that demon into my life. That way I can run so fast in the opposite direction, Usain Bolt would’ve looked like a snail! What’s even sadder, I used to try to convince others and make them understand where I was coming from. To defend my regret and willingness to change who, what, when, where and why, I would say, “Because to me, in my mind, I will always have a Shannon.” SMH. Who and the hell says that?! Talk about an ungrateful displaced ego individual.
However, thank God for Lee Daniels “The Butler”. August 16, 2013, Shannon and I were watching our 1239821874th movie together (we go quite often), and for whatever reason she was a bit active during this quiet drama. I proceed to get up and stand in the entrance way, right before you make a left or right turn to go up and down the aisle for a seat; this way I can watch the movie and she can look around by not being forced to sit quietly in my lap. As I entertained her on the sideline, reminding myself to not get frustrated, it’s not a big deal, while still trying to watch the movie, there came a point in which The Butler, Forest Whitaker, realized that his son was not a mistake, not a mess up, not a criminal, “but a hero.”
WHOOOOOSSHH *the feeling I got, when he said that
Immediately I looked at my playfully distracting child, who was disrupting the movie, had me standing on the sidelines (refusing to walk out of the theater as to not miss the drama and waste my money), slightly agitated because I am standing up when I would rather be sitting down, and when I looked at her she smiled. It was then that it hit me. The feelings and the words came to me so clear. Everything became slow motion, time stood still. All I saw was her. It was then that I realized she is my hero. She is no mistake nor a regret. She is my HERO and how dare I go another day without acknowledging/recognizing what a blessing she is to me; how much closer to God I have become and how my life has changed for the better. So I said it. I looked her in her eyes and said, “I wouldn’t change a thing Shannon and I can’t imagine it any other way… I love you so much.”
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