By Ashley Wright | June 15, 2014 17 Comments

I am a woman. I am a mother.  Yet my inbox floods with Happy Father’s Day to me.

 

I remember last year, I smiled. Proud to hear that I can take on two roles and feeling appreciated by those who look onward. But this year, I paint one on. I nod, I close my eyes and quietly take a deep breath as I attempt to come back to center.

 

Immediately I push away this feeling of discomfort, because it is strange and not recognizable as joy. Refusing to acknowledge what it is because I refuse to even open the door.  Yet with every text, every FB/IG notification to a message, comment, share, and every phone call, that forces me to verbally share the response of gratitude, it keeps knocking.  This feeling of confusion… keeps… knocking. Now it’s banging down the door.

 

Oh shit, it’s inside.

Standing there in the dark, I can feel it. We are face to face.

 

Instant Flashbacks. Instant anxiety. Instant panic.

I remember being happy. Or so I thought.
I remember he was there. Or so he pretended to be.

 

Yet with every verbal and physical punch that was thrown, with every tear that was shed, with every scream at the top of the lungs, and with every sore and bruised limb that accompanied a broken spirit and tired heart, the walls of manipulation came down and the clouds of uncertainty rose. Lost amongst the fog, I cried out to God….

I emerged with a baby… Alone.

I look left. I look right. I see nothing but vastness; A never-ending blank canvas.  I took a step.

And those steps became more steps, and soon enough I was on a journey; a colorful one. For with each step a blast of life showed its face and lifted my soul. It became a journey of memorable moments and sacredness, filled with love; for that baby was a gift. An angel. An answered prayer!

My eyes opened! I no longer stand in the dark, because she reminded me of the power and ability to be great!

 

Yet there is today.  The reminder that the earthly man who is credited for fertilizing my egg is not present, is not around.  And Thank Goodness he is not.

 

But once I again I look left. I look right. And see no man is present. No partner. No husband.  No father?

 

Am I to take pride in being both? Am I to take honor in saying I too am a father to this special gift?  Even though I’d rather not be?

I do not want to replace. I do not want this role! I don’t want it!

Yes, I have stepped up. Of course I fight, nourish, nurture, protect, teach and provide for my daughter.  That is my duty as mother! I will carry the load on every weighted level. Bring it on! I am a LIONESS!

But I would be lying, foolish in fact to perceive that I don’t mind doing it without a man, because I do. I want nothing more than for Shannon to receive the love from a King who takes honor and pride to call himself her daddy; and truly represent and exhibit all that it encompasses.  Oh the joy of how it will feel to be appreciated by a Lion that watches over me, watch over her and step in when necessary.

 

However…

As I write this, I am reminded by the glimpse of hope, that Shannon currently has all she needs.  A mother, a mother in interim for father, and her Spiritual Father who answers all prayers.

I ran across a beautiful song recently and her words bring such a smile to my face.  A smile that makes me happy to say, “Thank You,” when told Happy Father’s Day.  For everything’s gonna be alright, and my village reminds me of that. So I hold my Shannon close and sing to her…

[quote]“There is a God up there
Who heard my prayer
I was lost and afraid
And I had no where else to go.
I had no clue, what to do
And then He sent me you.

So if you’re lost and afraid
and you feel so alone
don’t worry child
cuz there’s a Father who will love you as His own
Just like he loved his daughter.
Like he loved His daughter.”
– His Daughter by Molly Kate Kestner [/quote]

 

 

Nonetheless, Happy Father’s Day for all the wonderful fathers that assist in raising up their children to be awesome! You are appreciated beyond words. For those who have and those who feel they do not.

And Happy Father’s Day to the mothers that are in interim and/or choosing to do it all! You are brave and awesome! And we are worthy of everything.

I am a mother who yearns for her King and the overall governor, under God, for my child and possible children to come.  I am a spirited, strong, beautiful soul with fragile fresh.  Will you love yourself more my Kings to demonstrate truth, love and vulnerability to a gentle queen like myself?  I pray for you! I pray for us! You are desired and Ill be the first to admit it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Photographer: Jade Beall Photography (Black and Whites)